The big news from the state of Maryland today that has everyone - including the ACR Blog - trying to come up with a punny headline is this: Jack Abramoff has a new job working at a Baltimore pizza parlor. And not just any pizza parlor, but a kosher place named Tov Pizza. Our always astute readers will immediately recognize the significance of this news: Mr. Abramoff will no longer be serving up pork, and any way you slice it, that's good news for true conservatives.
Phil Jacobs at the Baltimore Jewish Times was the first to report the news. The owner of Tov Pizza, Ron Rosenbluth, says Mr. Abramoff will work there for six months or so and will focus on developing "marketing strategies." Mr. Abramoff is well-qualified for this job of course, as scandal scholars will certainly recall his signature D.C. restaurant called, well...Signatures (Motto: ''Liberal portions in a conservative setting"). ACR Blog readers are probably wondering whether Mr. Rosenbluth will also extend an offer to Mrs. Julie Doolittle to help Mr. Abramoff in these efforts, as she was the no-show marketing whiz that enabled the success of Mr. Abramoff's prior operations.
Unlike some scandal figures who have neither taken responsibility nor shown remorse for their actions, Mr. Abramoff has done both. He also served 43 months in federal prison, and by all accounts has fully cooperated with federal prosecutors. He is now taking the first step towards rebuilding his life, and is doing so with humility and courage. We applaud him for having the strength to do so. He is directly facing down his demons, and with the love and support of his family, we wish him well in turning his life around for the better. Of course we also hope he will continue to cooperate with federal prosecutors. Since Mr. Abramoff pleaded guilty to conspiring to bribe Congressmen, he surely has a great deal to tell about the Congressmen he bribed - as well as his co-conspirators.
Mr. Abramoff is an enormously talented and extremely intelligent individual, and as one who has closely studied him and his operation for many years, we have the same kind of respect for him that a detective has for the master cat burglar who has eluded him for decades. When you are ready to talk Mr. Abramoff, the ACR Blog is ready to listen.
Yes, the ACR Blog has already heard the rumors swirling around the internet about Tov Pizza. As we go to press, the ACR Blog can not confirm that Horace Cooper dines at Tov Pizza, ordering the Tov Supreme Pizza while only paying for a glass of lemonade. We also put no stock in the rumor that scandal defendant Kevin Ring expensed a $2,000 meal for three John Doolittle staffers at Tov Pizza. And finally: ACK!! There is absolutely no factual basis underlying the rumor that Todd Boulanger took a group of underage teenage boys to Tov Pizza to buy some Hebrew National hotdogs and some kosher beer prior to taking them to see an Orioles game.
2 comments:
Very funny - I think you're joking, but I cannot be 100% sure.
ROTFLMAO!!
But you raise a good point beneath the humor. Abramoff DID plead guilty to engaging in a conspiracy to bribe Congress. That implies that he had fellow conspirators (Will he be asked to testify at Ring's retrial? Verrusio's?) and with respect to Congress, who is in a better position to testify about bribing someone like DeLay than Jack?!
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